Sometimes, that's enough.

"I'm sorry" means so much more in person. It made me realize how much everything has actually hurt, and it brings everything to the surface. Does it make everything okay? Sometimes. And then sometimes, it's just needed to be heard.

"You're my best friend." Finally, I feel equivalent to you. I once told you that you were my everything, and you could hardly tell me I was half of that. My heart skipped a beat when you said those four words. You're my best friend too, you know that. And I truly believe that for now, that'll be enough.

And then I was told that you can see the pain in my eyes. I'm happy. I am. Sometimes it does hurt, and it is painful, but there will always be a time when you will hurt. That's life for ya.

Stop Kony-Make Change

If there is one thing worth taking the time to watch, it's this. Whether its midnight, or noon. Whether your favorite tv show is about to start or you're on your way out with friends. There are more important things going on in the world. 

Are you okay?

I realize that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

It's hard not to think about it when we're together. And as much as I'm honestly not upset or angry about it, it's hard not to let it hurt a little. Because it does. And it will. But I have to do what's best for me, and I think in this whole situation, that has to be my next decision, and my next move.

If someone were to ask me if I was 'okay,' I'd say "No, but I will be."

Somebody That I Used To Know

I heard this song probably over a month ago. Most songs that I play on repeat, get old...not this one.

No words <3

.

A story of cheating, and deception.

So, I had this boyfriend. My first real, longish, true relationship. We were together for about 9 months. I truly believe that we did love each other.

     My best friend calls me one day and she tells me that he may have cheated on me. As the person I've started to become, I try to be reasonable. I had it in me to ask him about it before I reacted. I say "learn the facts before you react." He told me nothing happened, and that he wouldn't do that to me. He told me that multiple times. 
     In a quick, but not surprising, turn of events, he admitted that he did. Needless to say, that was it. I kicked him out of my house, told him I hated him, cried my eyes out, threw up, and then surprisingly, went to sleep with a smile on my face.
     That should end the story, right?
     Well, we work together, and a week later we were made to face each other. He, unlike me, was beat up. Sad. He looked hopeless. He'd gone out that day, in the middle of his shift, and punched a wall.
    I spent the whole previous week basking in my new found happiness. It's not quite the feeling you should have right after a break-up. But it was. I was told by co-workers that I seemed happier now that he was out of my life than they had ever seen me. And I felt it. I walked to work one morning smiling from cheek to cheek, just because.
     But seeing him so hurt, made me hurt a little. After work, we talked and over the next month we became, well, many different things. Ex's. Friends. Friends with benefits. "Untitled." Friends with serious emotions for each other. In love. But never together. And I made that perfectly clear to him. I wouldn't let myself be the fool who got her heart broken, and then chose to give it away to the person who did it the first time.
     And I'm glad I didn't. Because he did it again. And again he lied to me about it.
     I was livid. A little disgusted, well, a lot, but I couldn't be mad. And I'm still not mad. The way I see it, we weren't together. Therefore, he didn't cheat on me. But he led me to believe that he was going to change, and that he truly did love me, and truly wanted to work things out between us. So in hind sight, I felt used, played, and taken advantage of.

     I'm a very emotional person. I believe that I need to cry, just for the sake of crying. I'm up and I'm down, and when I'm up, I'm higher than a kite. And when I'm down in the dumps, good luck pulling me out.
     I'm a handful to deal with most of the time. And even when I found out what he did the first time, I put some blame on myself. I told myself that our relationship wasn't as healthy as one should be, and I had part in that. I think that's why it was easier than I expected to forgive him.
     I'm stronger now. That's why it doesn't hurt. I realize through this whole "experience" that I'm not weak. I have control over my emotions and my feelings.
     I realize that he is my best friend and I dont' want to give that up for the world. And I fear for him. I want to be there for him, and help him deal with whatever it is he's going through. I'm not worried about that at all. I'm strong, and I know that I can do it. I'm more fearful that he's going to push me away. I've lost a lot of my best friends over the years, for various reasons, and I really don't think I can stand losing another one. I just...I love him, and if he'll let me be his friend, I do sincerely want to be that for him. Someone he can talk to, or rant to, or cry to. I'll be that, if he'll let me.
   Is that crazy?

An introduction to my lfe.

Heyy.
I'm starting out this blog because I find it's easier to talk to a bunch of strangers than it is to anyone else. I have a lot to say, and sometimes it really means nothing. My point of view is that if I'm thinking about it, there's a reason.
If you're reading this and you know me, bear with me. If you don't, let me introduce myself.
I'm 18. I'm your average teenage girl, trying to find myself in this thing we call life. I graduated from high school in 2011, and now I just work. A simple "just a job" kind of job. Oddly enough, I love it. I love the people I work with and the atmosphere around me whenever I'm there. You can say I'm quite content.
I wish to study sociology sometime in the near future. Maybe take a course in English. If I could do anything in this life, I'd write. I'd write stories that people fall in love with, and novels that you can't put down. But for now, this is all it'll be.
I live in a city. I hate it. I am country at heart. I think that if I lived in a small town, the way I see myself would be one hundred times clearer. I honestly believe I wouldn't have to have a blog to try and sort everything out. I would know who I am. I would own a dirt bike, I think. And a 1950 Chevy pickup. And I'd have a close group of girlfriends who I'd go out and party with or shop with. I'd spend most of my time outdoors running or biking. The first chance I have to get out, I plan on leaving.

My biggest fear is being alone for the rest of my life.
My biggest dream is to marry the man of my dreams. A man who will treat me like I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. And I'll have kids who I'll raise to the best of my ability. I'll be so in love with being in love, that'll be enough. Not all the money in the world could fill that void in my heart if I live life alone.
Music helps me through so much and I thrive on finding songs and artists that reach my soul.
Family is the most important thing in my life, even though majority of the time we're arguing or bitching. I know in the end, if all else fails, they will still be there for me.
And most importantly, all these things I just listed, I'm struggling with. But that's life right?
So it begins; my life written out for anyone to read. For anyone who is struggling just like I am.

Words make a difference. Words matter.